The Onion, the nation's sole beacon of truth in an era besieged by darkness and lies, has fearlessly published hundreds of classified documents obtained from an anonymous whistleblower deep within the Trump White House. From top secret national security briefings hand-colored in crayon by President Trump, to encrypted e-mails sent by Kremlin operatives, to Vice President Pence's impure thoughts about the Morton Salt girl, the earth-shattering revelations contained within The Trump Leaks are all but certain to topple the president and alter the very arc of global history. With this soon-to-be Pulitzer-winning work of investigative reportage, America's Finest News Source has selflessly provided the world with its first and only glimpse inside the hidden workings and tortured minds of the Trump Administration.